Stranger: Excuse me, ma'am (we are in Texas after all). You look like a girl from Pennsylvania. Might you help me pick out the best pretzel?
Me: Of course, kind sir. And thank you for noticing that I don't look like a Texan.
Then I proceed to guide the poor misguided soul, usually with a bag of Rolds Gold in hand.
Me: First, you need to put that saw dust back. If you want to eat saw dust, you might as well add bran to your breakfast cereal too.
I shudder as I place the offending "food" back on the shelf.
Me: The first thing you want to do when deciding on which pretzel you want to buy is to look at the back. Find out WHERE the pretzels were made. You want a tasty pretzel? Then you need to buy one MADE in Pennsylvania! Oh, there is one exception: Snyders of Hanover. They're a sell-out. I feel they are secretly in cahoots with Rolds Gold. They may say they're from Pennsylvania, but they also have a plant in the middle of the Arizona desert. No good. Made in a dry climate--so they're saw dust as well.
Stranger: OH, my. I never knew there was so much to picking out the right pretzel. I'm so glad I asked!
Me: No problem. That's what I'm here for.
The stranger now takes a step back as my hands start getting into the conversation . . .
Me: Now the absolutely BEST pretzels in the world are made by Unique Pretzel company. But unless you have local connections, you can forget about getting your hands on any of those.
The stranger looks slightly crestfallen.
Me: So, next in line ---- Sturgis or Utz. Both tasty. Both yummy. Both crunchy without being saw dusty. Both a fine choice.
Stranger: I've been converted! Hallelujah! I'm saved.
Some people's mission in life is saving people's souls. My mission is to make sure people don't die thinking those ply board twists are considered food.
